Well I was just on here last night and I realized my last journal entry was in june 2007 and the entry was a song that i chose in dedication to my buddy chris after he died because well before he died he said he didn't want people to cry after he was gone...Well No one really knows this but I have cried....Sometimes it just hits me that he's gone...usually in the middle of the night. Last night was one of those nights. I was driving home and better than me by hinder started playing...I associated that song with him because well it was his myspace song and he picked it for a reason. Anyway It just hits me so hard that he's gone sometimes...like sometimes when i'm laying there at night I get to thinking about how some nights i stayed up all night on the phone talking to him for hours just about whatever was on our minds. We had some really deep talks on those nights while all our friends were asleep and that's why I claim him as a best friend and he claimed me as one as well. It wasn't just because I went and saw him and stayed with him as much as i possibly could while he was in the hospital or because i snuck him ice cream while he was there lol It was because I really listened when he talked. I was that call in the middle of the night when he didn't know who else to call to talk about how he was feeling or when he just felt down and needed someone to joke with to make him smile. Actually let me rephrase what i said up there...It hits me that physically he is gone...It hits me that i can't call him and i can't hug him and we can't play video games together anymore...all that just hits me...He's not gone totally, He's still with me every day just like he promised but phsysically he is gone...I still have one of his phone numbers in my phone...I just cant find it in my heart to delete it. I feel like if i delete it I'm deleting him....sometimes I feel like there's almost nothing i wouldn't give to hang out with him again...Last night was one of those nights. The roads were wet and i was driving decently fast...i dunno 75 maybe? Before you jump my case, when i realized how fast i was going i thought about slowing down....but i decided against it...Truth is sometimes I could careless what happens to me...My thinking at that moment was If i wreck and I die oh well....Oh well because well if i died there's a chance I'd see chris again and many other people that i have lost in my life. Now here's another part that you don't need to jump me about because yes I know i have people in my life that are still here that love me too. I have an amazing fiance that i love very much with all my heart...way more than i ever thought i would or could love someone and i have an amazing family and a few really great friends and a couple good friends. I wouldn't trade any of them for the world and I would never choose to give them up. It's just reality sunk in that dying is nothing to be afraid of...I mean I've come to this conclusion several times before but it hit me so strongly last night...And yea then i cried a lot over the fact that chris was gone and then i cried over some other people i lost and yea I missed my cat pretty bad too...I guess the holidays are pretty hard to me this year...I'm really trying to be in the spirit but it's hard...it's been rough...and this year i just can't stop thinking about all the loved one's that are gone now...I mean just in the last like 6 months I've lost so much...I'm not getting to see my niece and nephew as much anymore since they are still stuck with their mom but atleast i get to see them sometimes, my other niece is stuck in montana because her mom took her there, My grandma died in august and not long after that my cat died too...and everyone knows how much i miss my cat...Yes I do miss my grandma too even though i never show it. She was an amazing woman...had her flaws but she tried to be the best person she could be and do the best she could with what she had. She loved everyone in her family very much and I will forever remember her. We had some good times too. I miss the days when we'd call each other and talk about wrestling or the times when we'd all play cards...Yea my grandma never said she loved me, Never was one to show affection, She wasn't one to buy me things either...one time she gave me a teddy bear for christmas that she had in her house it played music and i played with it all the time when i was there so one day she just gave it too me...I still have that bear...that's one of the dolls in my collection that means a lot to me...Anyway I don't think there's a thing in this world that my grandma could have ever bought me that would have shown how much she loved me but she did find a way to show me to get the message across...I'm 21 now and a few weeks before she died...right about when she was getting really bad and just wanted people to leave so she could rest, she welcomed me with open arms after telling so many before me to go away...She hugged me and kissed my cheek for the first time in my life. That moment and all the moments of laughs and fun times we had together show so much more that she loved me than any amount of money or anything that money could buy ever could...I'm so happy i went to arizona last february with her. Spent about a week with her there in the sunshine and had so much fun. Arizona is an amazing place by the way...if any of you haven't been there you should definately take the time to go sometime before you die. Well ummm yea i know this was just me rambling and yea that's why it's called a journal lol i'm sorry if i didn't finish all my points or my topics jumped...i guess it's just something you'll have to deal with if you take the time to read journals from me lol. Anywho merry christmas everyone and I hope you all have a happy new year! May this year be better than all the years before it!

XOXO Sarah