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shadows and dreamsThere's so much screaming in my dreams
It's so loud that I can't sleep
my thoughts keep spinning
they're so fast, they're making me dizzy
I just want it to slow down
before I crash and burn out
from all of these hallucinations
that in the day are haunting me
and there's a shadow always by my side
that keeps screaming in my ear
constantly tell me secrets
that no one else can hear
I just want the shadows silenced
I'd do anything for some peace and quiet
but the shadows won't go away
and things never seem to slow down
no matter how firmly I stand
with my feet planted on the ground.
Get out of my lifeWhy can't you just leave me alone
accept that I'm happy without you
putting me down, putting him down
none of that is going to bring me back
because I'm not ever coming back
there's nothing you can say
and there's nothing you can do
I'm not changing my mind
so just accept that we're through
get over it all and leave
I can't stand all your negativity
I don't need that in my life
I don't need you in my life
you're nothing but a virus
that keeps trying to infect me
but I've built up antibodies
I'm immune to your disease
I won't play your games
I see right through your lies
so move on and get out of my life
Forgotten faceThere's a girl in every picture
but no one knows her name
how can we see someone everyday
and still not recognize their face
it's amazing how time passes
the people around us change
some of them we never forget
but others quickly fade away
and in the end there's a picture
always of a forgotten face
a picture of a mysterious girl
and no one remembers her name
arguments with myselfI had an argument with myself today
looking in the mirror I told myself everything
Everyone else has been too afraid to say
and underneath it all I found my biggest mistakes
I've learned that the moments I regret the most
are the one in which I ignored my heart and played it safe
I feel happy, I feel more alive when I take risks
so I'll take a chance on you, I'll take a chance on this
I'll put my heart into it, I'll give it all I've got
then even if it fails at least I'll know I gave it a shot
Inner soul reflectionI'm scared to admit what I've been thinking
because I've been thinking about myself a lot
tearing myself down with inner soul reflection
realizing I'm more complex than originally thought
all this time I've done the things I've done
never knowing why I do the things I do
I always thought I knew who I was
but I've never even scratched the surface
so inside my head I'm digging deeper
I'm digging down until I reach my core
so I can quit repeatedly making the same mistakes
and finally understand why I am the way I am.
Good Things Always Come DisguisedHe wasn't just a boy in tin foil
what you had was the real deal
you had a knight in a world full of cowards
but you messed up, you threw it all away
because you refused to grow up
you just had to play your childish games
and she, she wasn't just another girl
she was a princess in disguise
the last one left of her kind
but you pushed her away
you couldn't let go of your jealousy
you just had to play your childish games
and now she's gone, now he's gone
he stayed put, she ran away
but it all worked out, they fell into place
and I don't know how your story ends
but in this story the knight gets the princess.
Selling my soulAll this time I thought chivalry was dead
until you came along and behaved like a gentleman
now I'm thinking about selling you my soul
because all you have to do is touch me and I tremble
you kiss me and my heart literally skips a beat
it terrifies me, it's never been this way before
but I'm not running away, because nervousness is half the fun
I'm sticking around, my souls yours from this point on.
on the edge of nowhereI stand here on the edge of this cliff
looking back at the life I've lived
was it a life lived to the fullest?
Did I ever really live at all?
somedays I feel like I've wasted it
like I've spent it standing still
too afraid to take that next step forward
terrified I'd end up getting hurt
Have I just been a ship in the harbor
wanting to live but too afraid to start?
always so afraid of losing myself
that I have yet to discover who I am
all I've done is barely even existed
I've coasted along, if I've ever moved at all
I've lived a life with no purpose, No meaning
I've never left a mark on anyone or anything
I often thought I was alive, thought I was living
shared a few laughs, cracked a few smiles
but was I living, or was I just existing?
as I stand here looking back on the life I've lived
I see no reason, nothing is stopping me
I could easily step forward, right off of this cliff
nothing would change, I wouldn't be missed
the world would go on, and I'd simply cease to exist.
I miss what we could have hadIt's crazy laying here
knowing I still love you
I wake up in the middle of the night
and reach over just to find
empty space on what was once your side
I miss the warmth of your arms
I miss how safe I felt inside of them
I always felt safe when I was with you
atleast until one of us spoke
then I didn't feel safe, I felt trapped
but I still miss the relationship we could have had
we could have been perfect for each other
if you would have realized I'm not my past
and I'm not your past either.
ViolinI remember the day
you told me violins
were strung with cat gut
and that is why
you hated music
(who says that to a child?)
I followed you
all that summer.
I watched you
grow away from mother -
your whiskey held better conversations
and all she did was cry.
We'd sit cross-legged on the porch
and count the horseflies
settling on our lunch.
You would drown tadpoles
in a bucket
surprised they could not swim
and I would dream
of cherry popsicles.
And when night would gather
on the sidewalk
I'd hold my breath
until a star appeared.
Don't bother making wishes
you'd tell me -
stars are dead weight in heaven
and God has cloth ears.
iHer eyes clouded by
nightmares of the past
Angst controls her life
as shadows chase her
each and every day
My School Says I'm Worthless (sort of a rant)I'm a criminal because my values aren't their values
And I'm scum to say the least
Because I'm not on their list
Ones who have their lives set out
And drink from molten glory raining down from
School top balconies...
And I have myself left to blame for all the non-attempts
And truancies; the bleak distractions
That help me escape the inviolable test-score stares
Of disapproval that I attract from their
And they're forced to ask me 'Why?
Why are you still here?'
And I can barely say
That I'm afraid to leave.
That I know that no-one knows
Or what they want to be
But unlike those
I gave up
A while ago
And they can't tell me to my face that I'm a failure so they heavily imply
That my lacking presence
And even less impressive
Tendency for slacking off is evidence
That I am stupid and a fool and nothing more than such a waste of resources
And it's a disappointment
That I don't hold their ideals
VesselYour heart is a compass.
Broken, perhaps, but I know
It’s always searching for the North Star.
Which way will your beard point tonight?
DanielYou are vertebrae
reinforced with titanium
that does not make you the lesser -
You’ve got the weight of the world
on one shoulder
sometimes you trip because of it -
you’re still walking
and if things fused wrong
post or anterior
and if things fused out in the interior
your circuits live on
and if your thoughts get circular
or so do your moods
and your mind blanks and you forget -
you’re nervous but strong -
then I’ll remind you.
Because you give me
the backbone required
you’re my Atlas, so I lift my head,
you’re my axis, so I can face the future
because you are vertebrae
reinforced with titanium.
You’re my inner strength.
FallingFailure after failure
A life not worth living
Lost in my misery
Long gone are the good moments
I keep falling
Nothing can save me now
Gone my hopes are
With a pinch the world endsI keep staring at the marks on my shoulder
and the heart shaped bruise on my upper arm
trying to figure out why I'm putting up with this
I know I deserve better, but I'm convinced I love you
I don't know when to run, when do I leave this time
You keep saying you're sorry, you don't mean to hurt me,
but isn't that what they all say, no one ever means it
It starts with a pinch and next thing you know it's a fist
I actually believed there was no way you'd ever do that to me
I never thought you'd hit me, but now you're not so far from maybe
and truth is, it scares me, I'm afraid of what you're becoming,
afraid enough that sometimes I want to drvie off and leave everything
I want to drive long past the point where I run out of road
I want to drive into the ocean and find where the world ends.
Nine TimesI saw him nine times.
The first time we were both sitting in the room together, getting ready to take the math test that would determine our placement. I was scatterbrained and throwing things around, trying to find the pencils that I had known I would need but had still just tossed in my purse. He was lounging backwards in his chair, looking for all the world as though he didn’t have a single care in the world, including the upcoming test. It annoyed me, that I was frantic and ready to scream, while someone else could be that relaxed.
I tested out of the class.
I don’t know if he did.
The second time I saw him, it was a few months after I arrived on campus. He was the one rushing and frantic this time, running across the square. He was probably late for class, though I had no way of knowing for sure. I was already lost in my own thoughts and ideas, deciding on my major and convincing people that yes, this is what I really want to do with my life. If they weren
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